Narry + June
Tattooed Heart: Gravity.
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here till the moment I’m gone.
She had seen the pictures, multiple edits of the same shot flooding her computer screen as she continued to mindlessly scroll through her dashboard. Her eyes glazed over in an unfocused stare, she could feel the tears begin to well against her eyelashes at just the sight of him. Tears that had begun to feel like a new permanent layer to her eyes, tears that never seemed to stop. She hated it; she hated – and obviously loved – the way his body looked draped in all black, the dark color of each piece he wore making her blood rush through her body, her heart racing as her body yearned to be close to him. She hated the way she could pick out the loose curls that sat at the ends of his long hair, fully aware that there was a small ponytail hidden underneath the wide-brimmed farmers hat that sat at the top of his head. A hat that she still didn’t approve of, a hate that she wished he had never discovered for the simple reason that he looked like he belonged on an Amish farm. She hated the way his shirt was left unbuttoned, his new reputation, the antennas of his massive butterfly tattoo barely peeking out. Her fingers immediately itching to run along the line of his collarbone and trace the lines of the swallow tattoos until her touch disappeared underneath his shirt. She hated the way his scarf seemed lazily draped around his neck, she hated the way his eyes were covered by a pair of brown tinted glasses, she hated the few rings he wore…she hated all of it. And she especially hated how expensive he looked, how expensive they all looked really.
She had had dreams about the ceremony – more or less how they would’ve interacted – since the night the photos were released, her brain seemingly trying to mend her broken heart in the only way it knew how. Flashes of their morning together; waking up beside each other, their legs comfortably intertwined, smiles splashed across each of their faces. A few lazy kisses, their senses beginning to wake up at the feel of their lips melting together before she abandoned him for the shower. Feeling his eyes on her from his spot in bed as she got dressed, she knew they would’ve been late and with their luck, they would’ve walked in just as the bride started her descent towards her waiting husband at the end of the aisle because their hands were unable to keep from undressing each other. Getting a tight hug from his parents as they joined them before they took their seats, she could only imagine the way their hands would’ve been tightly intertwined, their fingers fitting perfectly beside each other as their eyes remained concentrated in front of them. Her head falling on his shoulder as they watched the couple say their vows, his arm slinking its way around her shoulders to pull her closer, his lips getting lost in her hair as he kissed her gently. Spending the reception within arms length of each other, both of them becoming needy for the other’s touch. Hands lingering in the softest grasp as they talked to all of the guests that they were familiar with, his hand guiding her as it rested on the small of her back as they went to watch the croquet match Niall and Liam had found themselves competing in before she pulled him away to somewhere private. Somewhere where her fingers could run along the contour of his collarbone and trace the lines of the swallow tattoos until her touch disappeared underneath his shirt. Feeling the way his chest tensed beneath her, his abdominal muscles tightening as his breath caught in his throat when the pads of her fingers fell in the dip of his diaphragm. Her eyes catching his as she glanced up at him, his smile so wide that his dimples seemed more like craters against his skin as she returned the gesture, her smile just as big as his because she knew. She knew she was the reason for his dimples, she knew she was the reason his heartbeat picked up the moment their skin collided, his pulse racing in every part of his body. Her lips caught against his own in a gentle kiss, a kiss that only deepened with their hands roaming over every inch of skin they had access to.
She had dreamt of the way they would have danced together, their bodies nearly on top of each other as the day turned into late evening and waned into the early night hours. Milling around with the rest of the boys and their girlfriends way after the bride and groom departed for their honeymoon. She had dreamt of the way they would have collapsed against the mattress of their bed once they were home, completely exhausted from the full day of love and happiness, a day that had only reminded them of all the things and ways they loved each other. And though they would have been exhausted, she had dreamt of the way she would have fallen asleep cuddled into his side, their bare bodies sticky and sore, as he repeated I love you over and over against her ear in a soft whisper.
It had been a party she was sad she had missed; she sent Eleanor a text the next morning telling her to pass a message of congratulations onto Louis and his mother. A sad smile growing against her lips the second she had responded with a simple I will and Wish you could’ve been there before the conversation dissipated. It had been the only conversation she had had with anyone who knew him in the past two weeks, it had actually been the only conversation she had had with anyone really in the past two weeks, discounting her best friend. How she found her way to her friend’s apartment the night they broke up was beyond her, her memories a blur of constant tears, loneliness and silence. Refusing to speak a word about what exactly happened, she spent her days and nights locked away in her room with the curtains pulled, engulfing herself in eternal darkness. Only removing herself from the cocoon of covers when she really needed to eat or use the bathroom, but even then she was selective and some days she would end up convincing herself that she didn’t really need the pint of ice cream she was craving or the cup of yogurt her stomach was dying to digest, instead going back to sleep.
She hadn’t been surprised when she saw that he had surfaced in LA after a few quiet days following Louis’ mom’s wedding – Los Angeles had become his safe haven, a place that was more of an escape these days than he probably had intended. It had become his own version of solitary confinement; she knew he found relaxation in the beautiful landscapes of rolling hills and pseudo mountains that allowed him to get lost while riding his motorcycle. Putting his soccer skills to the test against a small team of nine year olds, he had been able to play without as many onlookers as he had been used to. It gave him the freedom to spend hours upon hours golfing on some of the most expensive greens in the world with his older friends, letting his fans know he was alive with a simple Instagram post of a golf cart and a tree.
“I’m all for some Whitney Houston, but I think even she would agree with me at this point when I say - you have got to get out of this room.” Charlotte peered around her door, pushing herself inside and onto the space of mattress beside her. She flicked on the small bedside lamp, a small pool of light illuminating just enough of the room for her to find the off button of her iPod. Silencing the quiet repetition of I Will Always Love You. “It smells like…” Her eyebrows ruffled as she tried to pinpoint the exact odor that had settled in the stale air, shaking her head when she couldn’t. “Well, it just smells in here.”
“What are you doing here?” She asked, slinking further underneath the covers until they were pulled up to her chin. Tugging them close to her body to keep the heat entrapped around her.
“A few of us are going out for drinks tonight.” Charlotte began, “And I think it’d be really good for you if you joined us.”
She shook her head immediately, “No.”
“No.” She argued.
She threw back the covers, her head twisting until she met her friend’s frustrated gaze. “Charlotte, no. I’m not ready.”
“Oh come on!” Charlotte yelled, “It’s not like I’m asking you to go find another boyfriend the second we step into the pub. I’m just saying that you need to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Socialize with people. Have a laugh, drink some beer. Do anything but stay holed up here in the dark. It’s not healthy.”
She shook her head, “I don’t want to go.”
“I wasn’t asking.” Charlotte said sternly, a quick silence falling between them. “I’m done asking you to do things. Now I’m telling.”
Her eyes went wide in a mix of disbelief and shock. “What are you, my mother now?”
She nodded, “If I have to be, yes.” She crossed her arms across her chest, her back straightening so that she sat taller above her in a more authoritative stance. “If that’s what gets you back out into the real world, then I will be your mother. I will yell at you until you eat your vegetables before you even think about getting up from the table. I will yell at you when you don’t put your clothes in the hamper after wearing them all day – which, by the looks of your room – “ Her eyes scanned the mess that littered the floor, clothes thrown onto every inch of the carpet in disorganized piles. She didn’t even want to know how long they had been accumulating. “ – You should probably be grounded. This place is a mess.”
“It reflects how I feel.”
“Oh my,” Charlotte rolled her eyes, “would you stop being so dramatic? You’re the one that ended things, you’re the one who broke up with him!”
Being dramatic was something she had been somewhat notorious for among her friends in the past, but she couldn’t help the way her heart sunk the second the words slipped from Charlotte’s mouth. Her lips falling slack, she felt the tears swelling until her vision blurred, her friend becoming nothing more than a blob as she remained in front of her. Her breath getting knocked from her lungs, she suddenly felt small, a feeling that she didn’t have much experience with, especially with someone she had known for almost the entirety of her existence.
Charlotte immediately felt the guilt constrict her words, her throat tightening as she watched the tears glisten in her best friend’s eyes. “I didn’t – I didn’t mean that, I know it’s hard…”
She sniffled, “Do you think he misses me like I miss him?”
Charlotte’s face fell at the soft tone of her friend’s voice, the words cracking as she curled her body underneath the covers once again. She slid down the headboard until she was huddled next to her, their bodies facing each other. “Of course he does. I bet he misses you more than you can even imagine.”
Her eyes refused to meet Charlotte’s, focusing instead on the pattern of sequences that sparkled against her top. “He’s in LA, you know.”
Charlotte smiled weakly, “He probably couldn’t stand the thought of knowing you two were in the same city and you weren’t beside him.”
“He goes to LA a lot.” She answered as if she hadn’t heard Charlotte’s response. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up moving there.”
She shook her head, “I don’t think he would do that. This is his home.”
“Yeah but,” She glanced up, “he’s got a lot of friends there. And he writes with a lot of big time music people now and they all live there – “
“But you’re not there.” Charlotte cut her off.
“That doesn’t matter anymore.” She sighed.
“I know you’re trying your best to put up a wall again and you’re telling yourself all of these things that will make your heart stop hurting, but if you think for one minute that he would move halfway across the world, to a city and country that you wouldn’t be in, no matter what you guys end up being – if it’s just friends or maybe something more again – “ She took a deep breath and shook her head, smiling slightly, “then you’re even more crazy than I already knew.”
“Char…” She tried to interject, but her words went unnoticed.
“Love is the most powerful aspect of our lives.” Charlotte continued. “It is the most patient and greatest virtue on the planet. Just because you guys aren’t together doesn’t mean that the love you guys have for each other is suddenly gone. It will always be there; next week, two months from now, even ten years from now…you two will always love each other because you gave the most vulnerable parts of yourselves to each other. And once that happens,” She shook her head for emphasis, “there’s no going back. So yes, it may hurt right now – it may hurt like hell – but I have faith in both of you that you will find a way to be with each other again. And whether or not it’s in the way that you want, that’s up to you.”
“But I better be invited to the wedding when it happens.” She deadpanned, her serious expression breaking when she saw the smile creep against her best friend’s lips, a small giggle escaping into the air. Both a sight and sound she knew hadn’t happened in a while.
“Thank you.” She breathed out as the laughter dissipated from her lungs, her eyes connecting with Charlotte’s once again.
Charlotte shrugged, “It’s my job as your best friend.” She glanced down at her watch on her wrist and began to push herself upright and off of the bed. Dragging the covers with her, exposing her friend to cold air. “Now, come on. Let’s get you drunk. If we can find something for you to wear in this disaster…”
Eastern standard time! So same time zone as NYC.
Same, Jimmy. Same.
There will be a NEW Tattooed Heart up tomorrow! Whatttttt?
I know you guys probably don’t care and some of you might be too young to remember the NSYNC days, but THERE IS A NEW NSYNC ALBUM OUT TODAYYYYYYY.